Bucking the college athletics trend since 1851

Wild Bill Carmody

By Loch Mich Monster and Otto Graham Crackers

We here at NotSoutheastern would like to express our condolences to Coach Carmody. He did amazing things for are program over his 13 years here. We want to thank him for his service and for bringing our program to relevance.

That being said, we anxiously await Jim Phillips’ press conference in order to see where the future of our program lies. We have some pressing questions for Dr. Phillips. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find him at Nevins (or World of Beer. Man, World of Beer is awesome.), so we downed a few beers ourselves and got into some role play. Otto Graham Crackers will be our Jim Faux-lips. After a few more beers, we may even try our best Carmody impression.

Is there any truth to the rumor that Bill Carmody’s flatulence problems led to your decision to fire him?

When we make a major decision like this, we never want the reasoning to fall on one specific infraction. Did Bill Carmody have his fair share of nasty farts? Yes. Did it make him unfit to coach Northwestern Basketball? Maybe.

Bill Carmody had great hair. How do you fire a guy with great hair?

Great hair is a matter of opinion. Personally, I value color in a person’s hair. As we all know Bill has gone salt and pepper on us. That’s just not going to get the job done.

Injuries have hampered Northwestern all year long. Is it fair to fire Carmody just because he didn’t get hurt too?

Now that you mention it, we tried hard to keep this under wraps. But, Bill Carmody did suffer a non-specific upper body injury in the away game against Minnesota. Our medical team was able to get him back in no time, though.

So if our medical team can fix Carmody, why couldn’t they fix Coble? Fuck Coble.

We don’t say the C word in this office. In fact, we might ask Drew and Jershon to change their last names for next season as the letter C has been really problematic for us. But yes, Fuck Coble.

Last question. Did you know that if you put a Hitler stache on Coach K, he looks like Hitler. So that would make frontrunner Chris Collins sort of like Goebbels or Himmler. Would that be an issue for all the Jews on campus?

This would really be a decision to benefit our University as a whole. We want Engineering Professor Arthur Butz to have a friend. It’s a lonely world for Neo-Nazis.

Senior Night: a Message to the Underclassmen

Tonight is senior night for our basketball team.  In some very real sense, tonight is also our senior night.  We have sitting in the first few rows at practically every home game possible since our second year of college.  We have been there on the good days, like beating Michigan State, and we have been there on the bad, like losing to Perdue on a last second shot.  We’ve started chants, hi-fived our players, and walked home stunned in disbelief we lost and won.  Even when school was pressing, we were there studying before, at times with orgo notes in our hands as we watched.  However, this is our last night as students to stand in the front row and watch this game.  I believe this will be one of the saddest nights of my year as a senior (because at graduation, F that sadness, I’ve made it through this school alive and with a degree).  This will be the last night I get to watch two of my favorite players, Marcotullio and Reggie Hern, play out there for the last time.  Despite what others may say, these two players are hard workers and play the game right.  Thank you.

We started this blog one night after frustrations over our fellow bloggers attitudes toward Northwestern sports.  We particularly found them pretentious and lacking actual experience in the sports.  So, we wanted to give a perspective from people who actually played the sports for most of their lives.  However, we found that the only people who read us are people who do the same things as us, write about Northwestern sports.  These fellow bloggers will already have agreed or disagreed with you, and in this we were only preaching to the choir.  We wanted to have an effect on Northwestern students, to increase their knowledge, fandom, and make them excited about the game.  But alas, this is Northwestern.  Someday, this will change.  Hell, its already been changing.  Look at our football attendance this year:  there wasn’t enough room for everybody in the student section!  However, for basketball its been below par. And, why? Because our record is less than perfect? Or because our players have been dropping off like flies? I don’t know!  So, with my last game approaching in a few hours, I leave you with my last thoughts and suggestions for our underclassmen (or whoever will read this damn thing).

1.  The name on the front of our jerseys is “Northwestern.”  The name on the back doesn’t matter.  Regardless of who is injured, they are still our team and deserve the same support and respect as always.

2.  I could put the word fan and then define it, as in every bad essay, but I’m not.  What I can tell you about being a fan is that it doesn’t involve the word critique, only support.  No batter how bad of a game a player may be having, they deserve your utmost respect.  Since when did being a fan mean we had the power to criticize them?  Never.  Despite what you may say, they will still be Northwestern players, and therefore, part of our community.

3.  Don’t argue/complain about shit you can’t control.  Have faith in the system.

4.  Take advantage of what we have going on here.  Both of our teams are on the precipice of doing great things.  I wish I could be a few more years to witness it.

5.  Try to convert a non sports loving friend to a Northwestern sports loving friend in your time here. 

6. And finally, FRESHMEN STOP WEARING YOUR CLASS OF 2016 SHIRTS, they make me want to punch you, because you are freshmen. 

To the computers that visit this site, good night and good luck


The Difference Between “Woah” and “Woe”

By Loch Mich Monster

"Woe is me" — Every Northwestern fan ever (every Cubs fan ever too for that matter). Sorry Hamlet, but we have it worse.

Except for once, “woe” became “woah.” Colter, Mark, Campbell, and Scott were the instigators of that change. Hell, Venric was even an All-American and will be immortalized on Ryan Field. Others like Ifeadi Odenigbo and Matt Alviti tempt us to believe that such a transition is permanent for our football team.

When will that revolution occur across Wildcat Way in Welsh Ryan Arena? Will it ever happen? John and Juice got us tantalizingly close to the NCAA Tournament, but will we ever get to lay our hands on that holy grail?

Here’s why it might take awhile, if at all.


We are all aware of Northwestern’s athletic prestige and how that limits us in recruiting. We’re even more aware of our academic requirements, and how much more that limits us in recruiting. Yet somehow, our football team has managed to grab a couple of first tier players, while mixing in a good blend of athletic second and third tier talent. Yet, in basketball, we’ve only been getting third tier and fourth tier guys. Sina provides hope as he is a second tier guy, but we struggle to compete for the top two flights of recruits in basketball.

Now basketball should have an inherit advantage over football. How you may ask? Chicago is the high school basketball capital of the world currently. While it produces its fair share of football players, Chicago is not a football city for high school athletes. Thus you’d at least expect us to be competing for some of the best basketball talent in the world simply because they have a chance to stay close to their families and friends. Yet, we have been unable to tap Chicago’s immense basketball prowess. We aren’t even in the conversations for the best local talent (I mean Jabari Parker was considering DePaul and not us). I realize that there are significant reasons for this both inside and outside of our control. I don’t have the insight to offer a fair analysis of our basketball coaches’ recruiting efforts (and I’m 1000% sure they are doing what they think is best), but I would like to look at the external factors as to why our football team is able to be more successful at recruiting than our basketball team.

1. Academics

In my opinion, this is the single biggest reason why we have success in football recruiting, but not in basketball recruiting. All high school student athletes are not equal as students. Consider the yearly schedule of a high school football player. He has summer workouts and practices before the season. He practices everyday during season, but plays games only don weekends (and thus only has to travel on weekends). He is mostly removed from football in the winter, and is back to light practice and workouts in the spring. How is this relevant to his academic success? The high school football player has less distractions from his studies during the school year. The hardest practices are done before school starts, and traveling to games does not have an impact on studying. Another key is having winter off. Winter provides some prime study months as individuals are more like to stay inside and work than to go outside and play. Then, football players have to consider how easy it is for injuries to end their careers, no matter how much potential they have to be an NFL player. This potentially leads them to recognize the importance of a good degree.

Now compare that to the high school basketball player, who has the most rigorous practices in the fall followed by a season that often lasts into March and April. Compound that with the fact that basketball players play more games, including midweek games (plus traveling), and you begin to realize how difficult it is to be a high school basketball player while being a high school student. And when the odd braniac basketball player comes around, Duke, Stanford, Notre Dame, Michigan, and UCLA are all very hard to resist in comparison to Northwestern (which isn’t so much an issue in football where Northwestern is one of the better academic football teams).

Thus, it’s more likely for upper tier football players to have achieved Northwestern’s strict academic requirements.

2. Talent

This section is not about the number of talented players or the ease with which they can be recruited across the two sports. It is about how much larger the impact a talented basketball player can make on a team than a talented football player can. The importance of recruiting talent is that much greater for basketball than it is for football. When our basketball team is recruiting mostly 3rd and 4th tier players, we will never have great success. This section is not meant to be a dig at are current team (who have performed admirably), but you need only look as far as Trey Burke (who I realize was not that highly touted out of high school) to see how a talented player makes a world of difference for a team’s fortunes in basketball (this is true in the NBA too). In football, although we’ve been able to attract more talented players, we’ve mostly been able to be successful because superstars are a luxury, as opposed to a necessity, to compete with the best teams.

3. Competition

Competition for basketball recruits is infinitely greater than it is for football recruits. Not only is there a smaller pool of players, but there are even more schools that have the ability to entice top talent. In basketball, the mid major conference tag is not a deal breaker for top recruits like it is in football. Butler, San Diego State, Gonzaga, and others have all had tremendous success on a national level, showing basketball recruits that they can achieve their ambitions outside of the major conferences. And although mid majors often miss out on the top tier of basketball recruits, they are still able to get a lot of second and third tier talent with which to build their squads. In football, the best players want to go to the best conferences. The main reason for that (aside from facing better competition) is the national recognition that comes from bigger conferences (both through larger national audiences as well as a greater NFL scouting presence). Basketball players at mid majors still receive a decent amount of recognition throughout the season, but are placed at the same level as major conference players come NCAA tournament time.

When Northwestern has to compete with other major conference schools for basketball recruits, as well as good mid major programs, they will lose those recruits. Football does not face as much competition

4. Success

I put this lower because I’m not really sure how much recruits really emphasize past success. Simply put, Northwestern football has won B1G championships and gone to a lot of bowl games in the last 20 years (and have finally won one!). Northwestern basketball has made the NIT a couple of times, but hasn’t even progressed deep into that tournament.
When recruits are deciding between schools, they can lean on tangible results from the football program, but only ambitions from the basketball team.

In conclusion it is easier for us to recruit more talented football players because of academics, competition, and success, but it is also easier to win with less talent in football. If our basketball team wants to achieve the same success as our football team, they have to somehow figure out a way to recruit better talent.

I put a lot of thought into this and would love to hear back from people as to why they think we are more competitive in football than in basketball (or if that’s just a figment of my imagination all together).

Whiteboard Magic.

Leading up to tonight’s matchup against the top ranked Michigan Wolverines, Northwestern head coach Bill Carmody is attempting to harness his Whiteboard Magic that was so effective against Nebraska.  In the looker room before that performance he wrote only two words, “Aggresive and Intensity.”  In doing so he gained access to an ancient corn-based form of voodoo, removing most of the aggressiveness and intensity from his players.

Realizing his newfound power, Carmody has developed plans for how he can prematurely out-jinx his team from displaying poor performances.  Rumours have been circling this morning regarding what specially chosen words will be used this evening, with the following making the final short-list:

  • Let Them Shoot (Michigan, 51% on the year from the field)
  • Don’t Run
  • Take Quick Shots
  • Lazy
  • Miss Shots

One can hope that Coach Carmody will decide on the proper combination of terms to encourage out players before his pregame talk this evening.  Because whatever he says will surely be reflected in the effort put forth.

Maybe Carmody has finally found the final puzzle piece to build some consistency in this team.  

In other news we at NotSoutheastern saw the Nebraska letdown coming from a mile away, but we remain pessimistic that there will be much of a fightback against Michigan on the road.  And it is unlikely whether we will learn whether this is a good team, bad team, or average team of overachievers, underachievers, or just plain boring achievers. 

Northwestern prepares to return from orbit.

After spending a week and a half orbiting the Earth in what can only be described as a drug-induced space shuttle, the Northwestern Wildcats are prepared to venture back through the atmosphere this Saturday at Nebraska.  With two wins against ranked teams (at that time) in their pocket, as well as a well-fought game against a top ten Indiana team, the Cats are primed for an underwhelming effort.  Let’s be real, expecting the same performance executed against superior competition when facing (arguably) inferior foes is ludicrous.

We can all be assured that the defensive effort will go down, intensity on the offensive end will be nonexistent and Carmody will coach with his eyes closed.

Or Northwestern will continue its hot-streak, beat a pesky Nebraska team on the road and improve to 4-4 in conference.  I really have no idea with these guys.  Are they good?  Are they bad? Do they underachieve? Overachieve? Simply achieve? Are we dealing with Dr. Princeton and Mr. Hyde?

BREAKING NEWS: Shocker in Evanston as Minnesota Outloses Northwestern

By Loch Mich Monster

In one of the shockers of the season, the Minnesota Golden Gophers out-underperformed Northwestern to fall 55-48 to the Wildcats. Minnesota, the 12th worst loser in the nation, improved their current hot streak to three losses in a row. It must be said, their last two losses were not as impressive, coming to two teams inside the 5 worst losers.

After the game, Minnesota coach Tubby Smith said, “We came out there and wanted it less. It was great seeing how incoherent our offense was.” Added Smith, “I was especially proud of Austin Hollins. Took a lot of heart to foul out with 11 minutes left.”

Northwestern coach Bill Carmody praised his opponent’s effort. “They really sucked,” he said.

The Wildcats, long known for their tremendous losing exploits, tried their best against a pesky Minnesota team, but came up just short. Northwestern shot 42.5% from the field, 53% from the charity stripe, and 33% from three point range, but Minnesota bettered them in each category (33%, 26%, and 41%, respectively). Such a performance by the Gophers was more than enough to counteract 20 offensive rebounds and 8 blocks.

"We made a couple mistakes out there. We could’ve let Northwestern score a bit more near the basket, but we came out with the L and that’s all that matters," said Minnesota Forward Trevor Mbawke.

Asked about his altercation with Northwestern Guard Dave Sobolewski, Mbakwe said, “I was trying to get ejected. I even hurt myself later in the game. I was doing all I could to help the team. I think I made a big difference from the free throw line.” Mbakwe went 2 for 8 from the foul line.

For Northwestern, the win changes expectations for the season.

"We were really looking forward to actually enjoying our spring break in Florida or somewhere warm. It’s disappointing that we might be in contention for an NIT spot, or even an NCAA tourney bid" said Northwestern Guard Reggie Hearn. "Mad in March? Hell no. I’d rather be happy in Florida."

Carmody was happy with his team’s effort, though, and thinks the Wildcats might still be in for a special season.

"We played poorly today, but you have to give credit to Minnesota. They came out and did not execute their gameplan perfectly. I think we’re in good shape, though. We have a rough game coming up against Nebraska, followed by an easier matchup with Michigan. I like our chances at an early end of season," said Carmody.

Minnesota improved to 15-4 (3-3) on the season, while Northwestern fell to 12-8 (3-4).

Disclaimer: This is not real, but Northwestern did beat Minnesota in basketball. All quotes were created.

Back in the Saddle.

So how about that Winter Break thing.  Here at NotSoutheastern we were far to busy doing cool winter break things to be dragged down by the standard depression of following Northwestern sports.  Wait, we won the Gator Bowl, arguably the greatest sporting (read: basketball or football) moment of the past four years.  But, just to keep us grounded we also received the news that Drew Crawford had been playing through the season with a shoulder injury and would miss the remainder.  That explained soooo much.  So our basketball team limped into the New Year (literally) while playing four freshman in its eight man rotation.  

Through it all we are back and hope to continue covering the NU Sports world.  With how the basketball season is taking shape though we may provide more links to suicide hotlines and local branches of AA than actual discussions of our performance.

Enjoy and Happy NU Year!

The Turning Tide

Standing on the second floor of the Jacksonville Landing I watched as Brad Phillips and Morton Schapiro led the Wildcats’ Gator Bowl Pep Rally.  When hearing the standard spiel of how our school tries and to dominate both the fields of academics and athletics I was quick to write it off as the standard propaganda.  But then I had an idea.  Maybe we are ushering in a new generation at Northwestern University.  Maybe the success we have had in both basketball and football are not just passing trends but lasting improvements (Not to short change the other sports such as lacrosse, tennis, fencing, etc that are successful regularly).  Maybe our streaks of postseason appearances will become the norm for the coming generation.  Is it really that far fetched?  As I stood among fellow Northwestern fans, most of which alums with many more years of experience follow the Cats (including much more hardship) than I can boast of, I could appreciate how much this string of success really means.  What if all the years as the acting doormat of the Big Ten are behind us?  With the facilities upgrades and interest and an unparalleled high bowl game appearances and 20 basketball seasons may become more of an expectation than a goal.  I know I have been spoiled in my four years at Northwestern.  Four bowl games and four NIT appearances give me little to complain about.  What if those students behind me grew as Northwestern fans with only knowing of winning seasons, expanded national attention and (somewhat) dedicated supporters.  What a sight that would be if in twenty years the haunting of Northwestern underachievers could be forgotten.  

And then came the game.  Plenty has been written about the intricacies that allowed the Cats to win their first bowl game in 64 years.  In an unaccustomed fashion against an SEC opponent we won.  We won.  That is vitally and emphatically all the matters.  We acted like we belong, and maybe we do.

Bowl Week Review: Quarterbacks

By Loch Mich Monster

Bowl week is here. The Wildcats landed in Orlando Jacksonville today (we were on Jim Delaney’s naughty list). As we prepare for January 1st, its time to give the team a proper review. We’ll start with quarterbacks today.

Theodis Kain Colter: A+

I’d rather have Kain Colter running the option than Jesus himself. The man is more a cut-purse than quarterback. The Artful Dodger looks pedestrian compared to Kain’s ability to steal a football back from his running back right after handing it off. I’m out of pop culture/religious references sadly so I’ll just continue with superlatives.

He is awesome. Had Kain been allowed to throw more against Penn State and Nebraska, we might very well have seen different results in those games. He only threw two interceptions all season compared to eight touchdowns, and proved that he was capable of airing it out as well. He was always a threat running. He was gutsy and determined. He fought through multiple knocks in both the Michigan and Michigan State game. He laid waste to the Illini (ok ok ok everyone did). Most significantly, he opened the field up for Venric Mark. Without Kain Colter, we don’t get 9 wins this year. With a little more Kain Colter, we might be looking at 11-1, not 9-3.

Trevor Siemian: B

Trever blew hot and cold, yes and no, in and out, up and down (oh look another pop culture reference yayz me!). The two minute drill against Syracuse was one of the best executed drills I’ve seen Northwestern run. Accuracy and throwing strength marked him as a special quarterbacking talent. But that talent was very raw, and we saw that later on in the season. He would often look down his receiver leading to easy plays for the defense and many bat downs at the line. Whenever Colter was in at receiver, it was like Siemian forgot the rest of his wide receivers existed. Noise and pressure completely threw him off his game against Penn State and Nebraska, where he got the vast majority of snaps. It got to a point where we all wondered where Kain was, and apparently Kain wondered where Kain was as well. Still though, Siemian came up huge in Ann Arbor and East Lansing. Good start, very rough middle, and good finish leaves Siemian with only an average grade for the season.

The Long Awaited Recap of Texas State

So after that painful win against Texas State, it fell to my misfortune to try and remember what happened after that game—especially after trying to drink the memory away.  Granted, I don’t know why I get so frustrated watching turnover after turnover.  This win was on par with every other one this year.  I can maybe remember only one or two games that weren’t dreadfully gut wrenching to watch.   I don’t know which is worse, the amount of turnovers that are reminiscent of my brother’s 7th grade basketball team or the fact that I feel we can play so much better.  From a coaching point of view, the turnovers may be the worse offense, because that just shows an overall inability to focus.  Hell, our team didn’t practice during finals week, but still, having nearly your season average of turnovers in only the first half of the game is bad news bears.  However, I think the fact we can not step it up or come to play, or (insert bad sports phrase here) is worse because as fans we only expect that perfection of their playing ability.  We believe that every night our offense will click, Reggie will go above his already 100% effort, and our bench will really help.  However, to expect that is straight up cray. Players = humans gods.  To be clear, though, I’m not saying we shouldn’t expect the best out of our players.  I’m just trying to convey that no ones perfect and that unfortunately when our sports teams aren’t, fans have some crazy bitch fits.  That’s not our roles.  We shouldn’t expect anything from our players, because we are there for them to support them when we loose and when we win, and that is all.  So, let look at this wonderful exhibition of human athleticism. 

1.  Our school must be the only one that does not allow practice during finals.  This is not an excuse, but it may explain some of the rustiness.

2.  Sobo was clutch.  He ended our minutes of not scoring at the end with a huge three and was instrumental in our win.  He also showed that he could play with four fouls and stay out of trouble—for the most part.

3.  Turnovers.  If you watched the game, you know what I’m talking about.  If you didn’t, all I can say is that there was quite a bit.  A key fact:  Sobo’s negative stat in the game were his turnovers.  We really need our point guard to take care of the ball.

4.  Kale needs some more practice with the offense.  Friends at the game recounted Sobo yelling at Kale many times down the floor on offense. 

5.  Swop had some key rebounds, but I am just waiting for him to have that breakout game.

6.  We really need to get Olah involved in the offense more.  I feel like we give him a few balls down low in the first few minutes and then he disappears for ten. 

7. Reggie is Reggie.

8.  Our foul shooting was quite off, possibly due to our lack of practice. 

9.  They ran on us.  Maybe because we were out of shape or maybe because they were just faster, but we need to either put in a faster line up or communicate better on the person who stays back from rebounding to stop the fast break. 

10.  Notes from the bench:  Mike Turner played solid at the end to ensure the win.  Tre gave some good minutes, but left with an ankle injury—Get Well Soon.  Sanjay made an appearance, finally. Threelio is playing more minutes. Hopefully, he is getting healthier.

Let’s just say we are lucky to get that win.

When I played basketball, I always wanted a closer game, because that meant better and more exciting competition.  Now, as a Northwestern fan, all I want for Christmas is to blow a team out.  GO CATS!